LYRICS

Boy Meets Girl (On A.A. Campus)

She lived in a New York penthouse with a view of Central Park.
When they met at a West Side meeting, they felt that certain spark.
He didn’t say he was homeless – he didn’t know what she’d do
If she knew he slept on a wooden bench by the Central Park Zoo.

They fell in love or at least in lust and were together every night.
For a guy who showered at the Y, her home was a welcome sight.
One night she said, “Can I see your place? Would that be okay?”
He said, “Just look out the window. You see it every day.”

Boy meets girl on A.A. campus and love follows at first sight.
But when you fan the flames of love, watch what you ignite.
Don’t jump in all at once – just take it bit by bit.
Maybe ask some questions before you two commit.

He said he liked the outdoor life, which was fairly true.
But he liked her penthouse better – come on now, wouldn’t you?
They walked through Central Park and he decided to confess.
He said, “That wooden bench right there — that was my last address.”

Boy meets girl on A.A. campus and love follows at first sight.
But when you fan the flames of love, watch what you ignite.
Don’t jump in all at once – just take it bit by bit.
Maybe ask some questions before you two commit.
Yeah, maybe ask some questions before you two commit.

“You’re kidding! You were homeless?” she asked in disbelief.
He said, “I lost my condo when my whole life came to grief.”
He thought she’d dump him on the spot but she turned out to be kind.
“I guess I’ll overlook it. Hell, a good man’s hard to find!”

Boy meets girl on A.A. campus and love follows at first sight.
But when you fan the flames of love, watch what you ignite.
Don’t jump in all at once – just take it bit by bit.
Maybe ask some questions before you two commit.
Just maybe ask some questions…before you two commit.

Hey, Officer!

I was speeding
To my A.A. meeting
Gonna get my thirty day chip
Running twenty minutes late
On the Interstate
Going at an eighty mile clip

In the left hand lane
Feelin’ no pain
Leanin’ on my horn and my brights
Got all cylinders firin’
When I hear that siren
And I see those flashing lights.

Hey, Officer! You can’t arrest me!
Your badge and gun – they don’t impress me!
And if you want…to breath-test me…
I know I’ll blow an oh point oh.

But I start to panic
And my brain goes manic
Gotta hide my wine and my beer
And then I recall
I don’t drink at all
Ain’t no pills or alcohol here!

I pull over and stop
And out comes the cop
I said, Officer, what have I done?”
He stared at me and said
“Your eyes look red–
Have you been drinking, son?”

(Spoken) And I said, your eyes look glazed, Officer!
Have you been eating donuts?

Hey, Officer! You can’t arrest me!
Your badge and gun – they don’t impress me!
And if you want to breath-test me…
I know I’ll blow an oh point oh.

He said, what’s the rush?
I said, nothing much…
Just my home group in A.A.
He said, “My heart’s bleeding
But I’ll cite you for speeding–
Worst excuse I’ve heard all day.”

I took the news hard
Showed him my court card
Thirty meetings in twenty-nine days
He’d still have to cite me
A ticket he’d write me
A steep price I’d have to pay.

I’ll pay that ticket…

But, Officer! You can’t arrest me!
Your badge and gun – don’t impress me!
And if you want to breath-test me…
I know I’ll blow an oh point oh.

Shoved the ticket in my pocket
Took off like a rocket
Made the meeting with seconds to spare
My chip for being sober
And the chip on my shoulder
Made a perfectly balanced pair

How I resented
What he presented
I was mad…‘til I read what he said:
“You’re off with a warning.
Just ask for help each morning
And thank God when you go to bed.”

Hey, Officer! You can’t arrest me!
Your badge and gun – don’t impress me!
And if you want to breath-test me…
I know I’ll blow an oh point oh.

(Spoken) I still think he was eating donuts.
Maybe I’ve seen him in the rooms. Hmm.

Step 13

She was a smokin’ hot newcomer who liked her beer.
He was a famous circuit speaker sober 22 years.
His eyes lit up. Her guard was down.
It didn’t help any that his wife was out of town.

The meeting ended and he made his move.
For a middle-aged guy, he was silky smooth.
“Wanna get some coffee, just me and you?
We’ll talk about the Steps and the Traditions, too!”

She got in his Beemer and wondered, “What the hell?”
When he parked his car at the No-Tell Motel.
The sex was great. He said, “I love you, kid.
I’ll call you. I promise.” But he never did.

She was as angry as she’d been in her life.
First she bought a six-pack — then she called his wife.
So the moral of the story is abundantly clear –
Say no to old-timers and say no to beer!

Never Going Back

I’m an alkie and an addict…tell me something I don’t know.
Had to go to treatment but I didn’t want to go.
My girlfriend said, “Quit drinking and quit doing all that smack.”
She sent me to a meeting but I’m never going back.

Sat there through the meeting – felt like it would never end
Didn’t even get a greeting — they just talked to their own friends.
Not a word on getting sober, not a word on getting clean
They said grant me serenity – didn’t look too damn serene.

One guy bitched about his roommate. One girl talked about her cat.
Didn’t show up at a meeting…to sit through crap like that.
If you’re a boozer, you’re a loser – didn’t want to lose it all.
If AA’s cocktail party bullshit, then who’m I gonna call?

Try another meeting? I think I’ll take a pass.
You can take your freaking twelve steps and shove ‘em up your ass.
I’ve had enough of getting high—I’m ready to get clean
Hope I don’t sound impolite – but dying — dying makes me mean.

Don’t know what getting sober looks like, but I know that this ain’t it.
I need someone I can’t lie to, who’ll call me on my shit.
Thought I’d go to rehab but I might as well unpack.
That’s what I told my girlfriend. And I’m never, ever, ever going…back.

Three Drinks From Normal

A
If I could drink like a normal person, I’d drink all day long.
If what didn’t kill me really made me stronger, I’d be hella strong.
If one pill could solve all my problems, I’d say gimme two
If I knew where I was last night, I might remember you.

B
When I drink I’m warm and fuzzy and the whole world is my friend
When I come to the next morning, can’t wait for the day to end

A
I’m not a halfway person when it comes to alcohol.
I’m three drinks from normal…so I can’t drink at all.
Yes, I’m three drinks from normal…so I can’t drink at all.

Chorus

I’ve tried to stop how much I drink
At one or two or six
But if I cannot drink the kitchen sink
I do not get my fix.

A
If I could snort like a social user I’d sell you my spoon
If I could do lines and keep my job then I’d be high by noon.
If I could make an eight ball last a month, a week, or just a day
If I could smoke a pack of Camels and not taste like an old ashtray.

B
Normies get to drink and use and I think that’s unfair
God, let me do it one more time – that was my only prayer

A
The saddest words I ever heard were, “OK, folks, last call!”
I’m three drinks from normal so I can’t drink at all.
Yes, I’m three drinks from normal so I can’t drink at all.

Chorus
I’ve tried to stop how much I drink
At one or two or six
But if I cannot drink the kitchen sink
I do not get my fix.

A
I understand myself today – I cannot drink or use
The first bump or sip or snort or shot…removes my right to choose.
So I work as hard at staying clean as I did at getting high
I’ll always be three drinks from normal, to those three drinks I say goodbye.
I’ll always be three drinks from normal, to those three drinks I say goodbye.